I left the "what I thought was the finale but was actually a big tease" flying HIGH! I felt great!! I was on my way home and I was still in the competition. The judges loved my Rogue look and I did too. I am pretty convinced that If that was the finale, I would have won...which really helped offset the disappointment of not winning a single personal design challenge the entire season. All of the judges had such awesome things to say to me and they were such an encouragement throughout the whole show. I was ready to come back and blow them away. 

I needed  it. I wanted it. I have worked my whole career to get it!

The song I had on repeat in my head during the finale:

"You have got to be the last one standing 

You have got to be the last one standing 

You have got to be the last one standing 

Ahhhhh Ahhhhh"

'The Last One Standing' by Ladytron

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Once I got home and had time to sleep, I started working on my finale challenge. After having to adhere to such strict guidelines, we now could do what ever we wanted. Anything. At. All. That leaves a whole lotta room to fuck up! Which really messed with my head.

I did not want to lose this. There was SO MUCH PRESSURE. I don't think I have ever felt that much pressure in my life. I researched and sketched and researched and sketched. Then I made about a dozen outfits. Everyone said I was smart for doing this, but I felt like I was just trying to cover my ass. I wanted to see what Sergio came up with and have the flexibility to rearrange pieces once I did. I kept pushing myself to create innovative pieces, ones you have not seen before and never imagined could exist. Pieces that make you look at the design and construction and be in awe. 

As if I didn't have enough personal motivation, I knew Sergio was very confident and I don't think he saw me as competition. This drove me more insane to create something fantastic. I just kept repeating "Last one standing"

I really felt this was my time. Not only did i get this far in the competition without winning a personal challenge, but  I have been working my butt off trying to make my business work. I have messed up, I have learned and I have done it all on my own. 

I can't even begin to tell you how great it would have been to have that $100k. In addition to paying off business expenses, including covering the many weeks I was filming this show instead of designing for my business, I would finally have had money to put back into my company so it could grow! 

I still feel like the show was not what I thought it would be. Like I have said before with a name like "Styled To Rock" I thought it would have been much edgier then it was. I would have loved to really push the envelope but instead felt like I had to reign in my looks to make them more palatable. I also thought that even if I did not win, the exposure would be great and my business would flourish. I am happy for all the people I have met. I have some great new friends and I also have made some great professional contacts. 

Even though I am disappointed with the outcome, I will try my hardest to think positively about my future.